Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting