Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
You Might Also Like
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji