Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds