Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?