Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’ve been drinking.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists