Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”