Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*feels the wind in my toe hair
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.