Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
S O O N
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.