Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
who wore it better?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Life is a suicide mission.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.