@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
@absolutemeh: A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents. Mostly because they're usually too high to find their cars.
@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
@kyry5: [Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME