@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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@jackiembouvier: [Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting] - New playground approved - All classes now held outside
@FuckabillyRex: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.
@NottaBigDeal: I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.