Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Fries, not lies.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
doing your own taxes
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
waiting for halloween be like:
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good