I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
so, is there a mister shapen head
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Yes my dude
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what