Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you