Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
They’re stuck in your pants?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Did I do this right
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
That was easy.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?