Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…