Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I cannot stop laughing at this
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I saw nothing