Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Goat cheese is for herders.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.