@nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
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@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
@shkeeber: Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
@Slygirl08: *Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
@TheMichaelRock: The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.