dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.