@nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
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@DanMentos: "Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"
@myonlymizztake: Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
@KentWGraham: My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
@gojarbe: [wedding] i wrote my own vows *removes paper* "chickety china the chinese chicken" whoops wrong one *2nd paper* "if i had $1,000,000"