@nice_mustard: dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
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@david8hughes: Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great
@WheelTod: Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering "Aren't you too pretty to be a Chancellor?"