dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task