A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.