It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“The Perfect Relationship”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest