my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.