Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.