@treywafer: Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
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@FilthyRichmond: Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.
@david8hughes: [son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's this Son: it's our house Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
@T_Bonezzz: SURVIVAL TIP If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you're stoned
@DillDoes: *throws king crab into tank of normal crabs* Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright