8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
You Might Also Like
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
At least he brought enough for everyone
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
This is not me but this is me
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”