@treywafer: Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
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@TheBoydP: Wife: What do you think our song is? Me: I'd have to say "Happy Birthday". It's the song we've sung together the most. Wife: Idiot...
@SteveSuckington: They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn't be that hard once he snaps your torso in half.
@better_off_dad: Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here? Me: Irreconcilable differences. Her: Football & beer.