If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Oh yeh? Explain this then
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.