Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend