Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
🤣could you imagine
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.