Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
that’s really how it is
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What