Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.