Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back