Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
do what now??