Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
dogs can find happiness so easily
Sign of the day..
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?