Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*Makes bacon
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*2 pieces
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*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.