It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”