Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Solving a traffic jam
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?