Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.