Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
You Might Also Like
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm