(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.