*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Investing in beetcoin
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom