@eileencurtright: Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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@maebemarbles: *at the pharmacy* I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH *pharmacist blinks* GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
@pleatedjeans: I'll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.