@eileencurtright: Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ericsshadow: [anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined
@Jennuflect: Not tryin' to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it's inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
@jonnysun: its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child's voice say "hello" becuase i dread making smalltalk