Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
#growingpains
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.