Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Discuss
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz