@bobsin: Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
@adult_mom: [me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Him: I don't trust myself round you
Her(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
@LetMeStart: Me: I couldn't eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
@Just_Lee_: The neighbor's dog has barked non stop for three hours.
And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
@seanforhire: i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i'm doing to be silent and pretend i'm not home.