Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.