[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room