[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.