[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.