[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
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me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.