[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You Might Also Like
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Lmao
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.