[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.