[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management